You’re not becoming one of those lesbians are you?

A friend rang me recently who I haven’t seen in years. As we engaged in a brief catch up session over the phone, I told him I was slowly converting to hardcore feminism and loving every moment of it. His reply was confusing at first, then upsetting, until I later realised it was downright disgusting. He responded:

“Oh you’re not becoming one of those lesbians are you? That would be such a waste!”

I felt sullied, like I had to justify my sexual preferences, as if that was any of his business, as if sexuality was something you had to justify, something that changed who I was as a person, and how I should be valued. He went on:

“You know I love you. If things hadn’t been different, if I hadn’t met my girlfriend before you, we’d be married with 8 kids by now. You know I love you. Don’t be a lesbian. That would be such a waste.”

Again, like as if choosing or not choosing to sleep with another woman changed my intrinsic value as a person, sullied my chances of achieving my full potential for qualifying as a “real” girl, as an upstanding hot straight chick.

I made hesitant excuses about being too crazy busy and disorganised to make a time to meet up for coffee right then and there. I said I’d text him a time. I’ll text you. You’ll text me. Ok? Ok.

Days passed. I kept thinking about the abrupt strangeness of hearing from him again, the possibility of having him back in my life. The oddness of what he had said. Weeks passed. I felt resentful. I didn’t want to make a time.

Eventually, I explained to a friend how odd it was that guys that used to be in my life can’t seem to let me go, and a message was sent from my phone saying something like “I don’t want to see you. It would be weird and inappropriate.”

I still feel kind of bad about the message, as if I wasn’t being faithful to what had been, in the past, an awesome friendship. But really, in the end, I don’t think I want a friendship with someone who treats such destructive and shallow stereotypes as trivial conversation. Even if he was just flirting with me, it wasn’t funny. We both have long term partners. I’m pretty sure that, although the text was almost mean, it was the right thing to do.